FEELING OUT OF PLACE

by Jenna

I’ve always been an old soul. For as long as I can remember, I’ve taken interests in things “beyond my time”, whether it be music or literature or hobbies in general. This was not necessarily because I felt like my generation sucked, but because I have always had a lot of experience. I had to grow up very fast very young, and in a way it stunk, but now I realize that it has benefitted me a lot.

Due to this feeling of being grown, I often feel out of place. In school, with friends, doing normal teenage things just feels odd sometimes. I love the people I surround myself with, as I’ve spent a lot of time deciding if they are good for me and if I am good for them, but sometimes, it just doesn’t feel right.

I’ve always been outspoken, no matter the circumstances. Always the one with the “chatter box” comment on progress reports, always saying too much and sometimes offending people. I do not say things to hurt people; but I have always been one to speak up for what is right, and that makes people angry, upset, distraught, and uncomfortable. This also makes people afraid. Something that I have learned, especially over the past few months, is that there is nothing people are more scared of and hateful of than women. Being the person who grew up with their mom as their number one role model was the biggest source of my definite feminist state of mind from a very young age, and that scared people, especially prepubescent (and fully grown, sadly) boys, off.

Being the girl that boys didn’t like also surprisingly made some of my best girl friends leave my side, because they didn’t want this negative attention around while they tried to get along with these same guys. So pretty much, it was difficult to feel secure and comfortable with myself for a long time.

What brings me comfort in moments of uneasiness is simple. Knowing that I belong somewhere. Although that place might not be my last period Algebra II classroom, or my small suburban town, it helps a lot to realize the big picture. Yes, we are so big as humans, but we are also so small. It is so easy to forget that there is so much in the world I have not seen, and so many people I haven’t connected with yet, but being aware of this in times of hurt gives you a sense of warmth like no other. The only place you are obligated to stay is your body, and realizing this is one of the most liberating things in the world. Somewhere, someday, you will feel like you belong. Whether you walk into a room one day, or off a plane, or into a cafe, you’ll feel it, and know that’s what you’ve been waiting for all this time.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0fKBhvDjuy0&feature=youtu.be

With love, Jenna

(reposted from original blog)

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