I went to sleep at 4 am last night. Swore to myself I’d go to sleep earlier tonight, but here I am at 1 am. Already scrolled through all my feeds- Twitter, Insta, YouTube, Snap. I figured I’d just pick my brain a little. I’ve felt slightly out of it lately, and I just can’t seem to pull myself out of this funk. I put up a post a few months ago titled “Feeling Out Of Place”, and it’s not that I necessarily feel out of place; it’s that I feel like I’m outside looking in on that place.
A few days ago, something really out of the blue happened that had to do with someone I spent a lot of my time growing up with, and loving. It felt weird reaching out just to apologize for something I ultimately had no control over, but at the same time, in that moment, it felt like home. But now that I look at it, it feels nothing like home. It feels like somewhere I used to belong, where I now walk past, and look in, admire, and keep walking.
A lot of our lives is spent feeling a need to belong, no matter the circumstance. Whether that’s through trying to fit the mold of being the apple of ones eye, a role model, a family member, or whatever we want to be. Sometimes the whole idea leaves me at a loss for words, because it’s so difficult to put into words. Belonging is a natural human emotion, as it stems from the need for affection.
What’s tricky, I think at least, is thinking not of needing to belong now, but where we used to. Because as time goes on, and the people change with the seasons, reflecting back on the past is done with a kaleidoscope eye. Can you ever really feel exactly how you were feeling at that time, ever again? Or is the best you can do look back now, with all of the knowledge you’ve gained since then, and remind yourself to avoid the situation again?
A few days ago, I sent a text to someone I hadn’t spoken to in years. I spent a lot of my early adolescence not only with this human, but also thinking about them, as everyone with a crush does. It felt like picking up a photo, and having every detail of that moment bleed into you through your fingers, closing your eyes, and seeing that moment again.
I feel so fucking weird writing this, because I have no idea what I’m writing at this point. I don’t want to make this sound poetic but I also don’t want to make it sound like a complaint. Because it’s not that beginning to realize what made you feel out of place from the jump is a bad feeling, as it is one of the most freeing and liberating things ever. Being able to acknowledge what people did to make you feel shitty, hard to love or any bad emotion is something so avoidable, and so much easier to just not do. But once you do come to terms with what made you hurt, you deal with it. You feel it all over, you remember it, you reflect on it, you hurt from it, but you deal with it. And that’s what makes you free, to look in from the outside, and not stay stuck on the inside.