Sparkling, Flashing

I guess I’ve been on track to do this for a while now. It’s felt like something I’ve needed to do, and something that had to be done in order to actually feel at peace with whatever I am and am not doing. So, here’s to new beginnings, if I may…

Around this time last year, I was spending a lot of time thinking about how I could put my thoughts and ideas into the universe. As a 15-year-old girl living in suburban New Jersey, it seemed like I had all the options in the world, and some. I was having a difficult time thinking of how I could do this exactly how I wanted to, how I was going to bring myself to keep up, and, (most importantly at the time), keep it from obnoxious teenagers who would bother me.

A lot of summer 2016 was spent jumping between platforms, images… trying to find a perfect recipe for this. But what was haunting me ultimately, was what I would name this. As someone who could talk about words themselves and language for days on end, this was so meaningful to me. I’d had ideas, but it never felt right for one reason or another. Then, on a list of the most beautiful words in the English language, I found it: scintillation.

scintillation

 [sin-tl-ey-shuh n] 
 noun
1. the act of scintillating; sparkling.
2. a spark or flash.
3. Astronomy. the twinkling or tremulous effect of the light of the stars.

And that was it. I have always had a knick for shiny, sparkly things, whether it is a rock or stars. As an aspiring astronaut, of course I had to have a constant reference to it in my writing somewhere! From then on, I began to create something that I was really proud of, and found a place where I felt safe to share what I was thinking in an organic and candid way, without feeling judged.

But, over the past few months, I’ve felt very out of it with this. And I couldn’t quite put my finger on what was wrong, but it was pissing me off. Taking “breaks” didn’t work, but neither did isolating myself trying to think of ideas. So I decided to just live.

Instead of making something happen just to document it, document something that’s already happening, and making you feel good in that moment.

Over time, I learned that it feels better to live in the moment, letting things come and go as they please, and taking material from that and molding it into something I am proud of, as opposed to trying to make something inauthentic happen to appear a certain way, or bring about an emotion that isn’t really.. there.

What I’m trying to convey here is that while what I was doing then made me proud & full of joy at that time, it doesn’t feel like me anymore. I hope that from here on out, the content I put on this blog brings about more value to not only others, but myself as well. It is always my intention to bring about fulfillment, joy, rawness, peace and love. Here’s to new beginnings…

With love,

J ❤

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