Bad without good

I don’t like not liking school. I am someone who likes school and I don’t like it when I’m not excited about the things I am learning or whatever assignments I have to do surrounding them.

I don’t like being sick. Period.

I keep feeling as though I can wash the bad feelings off. It doesn’t actually work. I’ve showered twice since I got home from school and my shirt has puddles on it from my hair drip drip dripping. The shower helps, until you get aggravated with how fucking hot the water is and how it won’t get cold.

I write passively too much. I would like to make it a habit to spit things out and not say “just” as often as I do, as well as “like” and “literally”. I put too much energy into thinking, moving, swirling things around in my head instead of (just) saying what I mean.

I pour too much of myself into people and I think I inherently expect the same from them. Maybe I don’t. I’m not really sure, but I’ve realized that just because I am overly emotional with people does not mean they will be the same way back. To be honest, I’m not sure if my unstable relationships with my friends right now are shifting my view on this they definitely are actually. I don’t expect much from my friends- especially being that I am always available.

Stop being so open. Or find better friends. Or both.

Flaw: I am unconditionally emotionally available.

Something I deeply pride myself in: I am unconditionally emotionally available.

I make myself vulnerable extremely often, not as much make but simply leave myself open for people. It is easy for me to connect with them then, maybe more so for them to connect with me. This may be why I find myself being someone for mostly everyone.

If people don’t like you, they don’t like you. If people don’t like you, it’s harder on you because it’s the person you actually are to them that they don’t like, not someone you are pretending to be. I think that’s better though.

Or maybe my friends don’t hate me. They probably don’t. I’m just 3000 miles away and it’s hard to feel that love sometimes through a text.

I’m having a bit of an identity crisis because I don’t really know anyone around me, and the people that I thought I did know, I am growing apart from because of the unavoidable coming of distance. I feel like I am 14 again, with no friends, really depressed in my room. Except I liked my blue room better than this one.

Then again, I just have to remind myself that I have all the friends in the world, and I have so many people to meet and stories to listen to and… seats to sit in. I can’t give up now. I need to be the friend to myself that I try to be to all those around me now.

If this means nothing tomorrow, who cares. I can look back on it and laugh or cry one day.

It’s no coincidence; it’s the universe screaming

Call me if you can. It’s okay if you can’t, but I’d really rather if you did

J

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